I’m not one to open up to just anyone unless I feel some sort of connection; & for years, I did, with one person in particular.
I know I keep dwelling on the past, maybe because if I think about it long enough, I’ll find it in me to forgive myself for ever being the way I was or maybe to forgive another who must have, or not, unknowingly triggered my “passive aggressiveness.”
This person was a person I could confide in, but I keep thinking, maybe it was all just always filled with one-ways. Maybe I confided too much and didn’t offer my support enough. Maybe I made it all about me and wouldn’t accept any other way. Maybe I was so lost on my own that I forgot what it was like to share. So maybe I was selfish to the thought that I must have been the only teenager going through something. Maybe my problems were too overwhelming. Maybe my issues were slowly becoming ours, because me having someone to help me stand tall was what I always wanted.
Maybe I overwhelmed our friendship.
But the truth is, there’s no handbook for best friends, there’s no instruction manual on how to be a fair, good, great, or amazing person to others. There’s no instruction guide to show you how to resolve a conflict that has been carried on for far too long, and there’s no right or wrong way to say I’m sorry.
I’m still finding that place where I can find my inner peace. I’m still trying to find more than one way to fight my demons. I’m still clinging to the past, because I’m scared that if I look into the future, I’ll find an infinite number of ways to mess it up, like I did before. I’m still as scared as the first time I got on a rollercoaster. But that’s just what life is right? A rollercoaster…
A wise person once told me that all I needed was to prove that I can do things alone, that I can get through them, from start to finish, alone. & for that, my friend, I thank you.
I’m ready for this phase of my life to be over. I’m ready to not be so afraid of what my life can turn out to be. I’m ready to take the first solo step and make a new friend in this new phase of my life.
I’m sorry, for everything I did and didn’t say, for everything I did and didn’t do, and for everything I should and shouldn’t have done.
I’m sorry Danny.
Ana S.M. (August 11, 2016)