Being blood related usually binds you to secret keeping anyways. Outside of my family though, I felt he was the only one who understood me…
The reason I choose to express myself about this young man now, is because it took me a long time to get over the resentment and disappointment I held for myself. I never looked for pity in others, and I still do not, but I want to explain things the way I perceive them and ultimately hope to be understood.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. And maybe we were both wrong, and maybe one was more wrong than the other. I took too long to forgive, because I wasn’t ready to forget. My life was a hectic disaster. And I wasn’t ready to let go.
But something changed…
The summer of 2016, approximately a year and a half after not talking to the guy I used to consider my best friend, I was finally ready to make up. Yes, I took too long searching for answers that were never there. I took too long making excuses and asking questions just to avoid my reality, the dude was up and out of my life and whether it was or not my fault didn’t even matter anymore.
The fall of 2014, I don’t fully remember why we stopped talking… But what I do remember is, I remember being told he talked about my sister’s mental illness like it wasn’t a big deal. I remember being told “I can tell your sister is still not fine.” and feeling my blood boil, because who was he to even talk like this about someone he didn’t know. I knew my sister wasn’t fine, and I knew he was right, but hearing someone else address my family’s personal life, someone who was not my family, extremely upset me.
But I was young and naive.
I remember knowing he was passive aggressive and I remember thinking “Well, two can play that game.” I remember leaving notes and indirectly addressing house issues. I remember being just like him. Not that he was bad, but I thought it was the best way to go about things.
I remember him turning cold. I didn’t feel the warmth in him anymore. And you have no idea how many times I wanted to turn back around and say I was joking about everything… but my sister was there, she was present, and if she couldn’t defend herself, I would defend her.
I remember ugly looks and mere glances. I remember distancing myself from everyone I knew, because I remember having the same friendships. I remember blaming him for taking every last bit of my friends away, because they had found out about things, and it hadn’t been through me. I remember feeling angry with him, because how dare he act like I was the one to blame. Only, I realize now I may have been the one to blame more.
I remember the day he left. I was just like him… colder than I could have ever imagined. I celebrated his departure because that meant I had won, right? Only, I hadn’t… not even close. When he left, I felt nothing, not good, not bad. Not until days later.
I remember looking at my phone and seeing his name and wanting to call him or text him and just tell him it was all a joke. I remember listening to music and having that one song pop up, our song, and picking up the phone again. And putting it back down. I remember late at night re-reading our text messages and reading our high school notes, and looking at pictures of us and thinking how bad I fucked up.
No, it wasn’t a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, it was a best friend relationship. It’s hard to describe because everyone who would see us would think we were dating, but we’d have to explain the logistics of it, how we knew each other since forever and would never in a million years date each other. We were practically siblings. But unlike siblings, it’s hard to make up, when you mess things up.
So we both went our own ways for a couple of years, and made new friends, and met new people, and once in a while would see one another walking by. And I would avoid eye contact because I was too afraid to approach first and what if he hadn’t forgiven?
But life works in mysterious ways, and I found the guts in me to forgive and forget and start over again, starting with myself. I began to write, and to sing again. I began to smile more and go out more and little by little, to see the brighter side to things. As I began to change and evolve my mind, I decided it was time to make amends and stop pushing things aside. I wanted closure and a fresh start. I was never much into religion, but that night before I jumped into the waters, I prayed for forgiveness and acceptance; I prayed to God to give me the strength to keep me afloat and to take things into his hands. A little cliché, yes. But so was I.
And the very next day, after I came out of work, I found a meaningful text message exchange between us, and publicly (social media wide), apologized for what I did and shouldn’t have done. And he read it, and he accepted it, and we conversed through message and in person…
Maybe I should have been direct about my feelings; I should have told him I didn’t appreciate him discussing my sister and her situation at the time; Maybe I was having a bad week and the bitch in me came out to play; Maybe I was overwhelmed and did things in the spur of the moment; Maybe it was hearing that someone else knew about my life without my consent. And all these little insecurities ripped skin, dug deeper into my flesh, and broke bones. They blurred visions and created illusions.
I’ve said it before and I say it now; I NEVER imagined my life without this guy in it. He was my best friend. But sometimes life has different paths set for you. You have to trudge up mountains and roll down hills. You have to walk through hot deserts and cross past broken bridges, and sometimes burn some of your own. You have to swim through icy waters and sometimes never see dry land. But whatever it is you do, never let your inexperience be louder than your will to fight. When you are ready to meet again, you will. And if you weren’t meant to, you won’t.
It’s not the same friendship it was, that much is true. It will never go back to how it was. We both changed, and that’s completely fine. But, at least he finally got to see me for who I was and not for who I pretended to be.
So CHEERS, here’s to new friendships in this crazy thing we call life ❤